This is the story of rage, revenge, heartbreak, and reunification, starring Lady Gaga and her horse, Arabella. There are a total of five chapters.
Draped in gold and glistening diamonds worth billions of dollars, Ms. Lady Stephanie Germanotta Gaga stepped onto her 400-foot-long yacht, a sleek yellow and white thing with “MISS BITCH” emblazoned above the engine. Ms. Gaga’s eight million inch stilettos sunk deep into the plush white leather of the tanning bed on the back of the boat. She hopped down. A captain approached her.
“Hello Miss,” but before he could finish, Lady Gaga brought her index finger to his lips. She came in close and whispered.
“Say no more. Our journey across the Atlantic? It was merely a LoveGame. I never want to see you again.” She looked on, gazing past his ear, his skull, and his life. She glanced into his soul and noticed it was blackened with guilt. The captain sprinted off the boat in tears, hurrying down the wooden dock, and jumped into the sea to his death.
Gaga went to the captain’s room and began to press buttons and twist knobs until the boat roared to life. She finally took hold of the giant steering wheel.
She ripped off her tame Furstenburg wrap dress and her tits exploded into view, her lizard-skin bra and G-string glistening in the Mediterranean sun.
As the dock men disconnected the boat and set it free, Gaga began to command her boat around the harbor area. The sound of a tired horse could be heard slowly clopping closer. Gaga’s trusty Arabella climbed the stairs to the captain’s area, where Gaga was humming a sea shanty and maneuvered the enormous yacht around tiny sail boats and tugs with precision never before seen. Lady Gaga snapped her fingers and three masseuses appeared and began rubbing Arabella as Gaga whispered, “Arabella, you are dying”. Arabella whinnied. Quickly, Gaga made an instagram post saying that Arabella was dying, but it was not true. Arabella was simply not dying.
After leaving the no-wake zone of the crowded harbor, Gaga let on the gas and the boat lurched forward, a heroic movement. Now the boat was moving at 50,000 miles per hour. Gaga glanced at Arabella, who seemed at peace with the wind in her mane. Finally, a moment of peace for the only celebrity anyone cares about.
“Arabella,” she remarked, “We’re far from the shallow now.” Arabella walked to the very front of the boat and looked on, her luscious mane rippling in the wind as the shore grew more distant. The horse, aboard the boat owned by the most important woman in the history of earth, was living her best life, but she felt confused. Now was not the time to die, but Arabella felt hurt that Gaga was inventing news about Arabella in order to sell albums. Arabella knew that the horse narrative worked beautifully with the concept of Gaga’s new album, Joanne. Suddenly the horse felt very intense rage. She stamped her feet, and trotted down the stairs in a huff. She did not even look at Gaga. Lady Gaga was in shock.
“Was it something I said?” Gaga thought. “First the captain, and now my horse… I’ll never love again…”
Downstairs, Arabella laid in her king size bed made of hay and designed by Versace. It was no poker face. Arabella was legitimately hurt. She wanted revenge.
Gaga hadn’t seen Arabella all night, and her bedroom door was locked. Gaga figured she was just going through a phase. But as Gaga laid in a bath that night, she thought to herself,
“I want your love… Don’t I? Do I deserve it? Does Arabella want to fight?” Lady Gaga continued to ponder…
“And I want your revenge.” Gaga was resolved: If Arabella wants to fight, so be it.
Later that night, Gaga laid in her bed, thinking about Arabella, reciting a line from an old English hymn until she drifted to sleep… “I don't wanna be friends… I don't wanna be friends, I don't wanna be friends… I don't wanna be friends, I don't wanna be friends…”